That will teach me not to make late-night grocery runs

I saw something sail past my face into my car before I’d even finished opening the door, but it was a dark and rainy night, literally, so I couldn’t see what. I thought it must have been a leaf or a moth, but that was wishful thinking because what had actually jumped into my car, literally, was–

A FROG!!! A $#&*%^#* FROG!!! IN MY CAR!!! HOLY FREAKING $%^$^!!!

So, um, I was a little freaked out.

Not my actual terrorist, but close enough

Usually when I’m walking through a dark parking lot I’m worried about another human being forcing his way into my car, not an amphibian. I looked inside and saw the small yet slimy creature chilling out on my dashboard like it was his favorite lily pad. I put my groceries on the front seat and left the driver’s side door open while I went around to the other side. That’s where I found a straw in my trash which I used to start prodding the trespasser out. The vanilla shake I’d gotten at the drive-through might not have been the best caloric decision, but it was totally worth it at this moment. Unfortunately, it’s kind of hard to herd a frog because instead of letting me push him he’d make a sudden leap without me knowing exactly where he’d land (please, please, please, not in my hair).

Then I noticed that the guy I’d helped find Sensodyne in the dental hygiene aisle had strolled out of the store and was giving me a look which probably meant, “I hope this crazy lady didn’t poison my toothpaste.” I blurted out that there was a frog in my car, because when you have a frog in your car you feel a deep need to tell everyone that, “Oh my freakin’ God, there is a frog in my car. Can you believe this actually happened?” By the time he came over all we could see were the moist impressions the creature’s little froggy legs had left on my dashboard. “Geez, I hope you find it before it dies in your car,” said Mr. Sensitive Teeth who was about three frog-leaps ahead of me in this game because I hadn’t yet contemplated what a dead frog would smell like in a car parked in hot, summer weather.

I couldn’t see the frog, so I got in, started the car and said a small prayer that nothing was going to leap into my face as I was driving down the road. though that would make for a hilarious accident report. That’s when I spotted the little leaping menace wedged between the windshield and the dashboard on my far left. I opened the door, poked the frog with the straw again which caused it not to leap outside, but onto the shoulder of my buckled seat belt. Finally with a final poke it leapt outside and I slammed the door as fast as I could. Well, I’m 99% sure it leapt outside. I guess we’ll know in a few days, won’t we? If not, the next thing I’ll be buying from the grocery store is air fresheners.

Like the back of my hand

Evidently I really do know the back of my hand like the back of my hand because I had a minor freak out last week when a mole magically appeared on my left hand.

New dark mole

I’m 99% sure it was not there during the prior 33 years and some-odd months of my life, but suddenly it was there. At first I thought it was just dirt, but it wouldn’t wash off. It wasn’t a scab either because I couldn’t pick it off. It was either a new mole or someone had tattooed a dot on my hand while I slept.

It didn’t have any attributes of skin cancer (see the A, B, C, D, E of skin cancer here), so I was just going to write it off as one of the many weird things that happens when your body ages. It must be the next step after the development of that one, curly dark hair I have to pluck off my chin once a month. Not much longer until I’ll need to trim my nose hairs, right?

Then something even weirder happened. The mole got magically lighter!

Magically lighter mole

Fortunately I had taken a photo of the dark mole two days ago in preparation for blogging about it, so I have proof that this happened and I’m not hallucinating. But seriously, what the hell is going on here? I’ve heard of freckles lightening and darkening depending on how much exposure they have to the sun, but this thing changed color instantly. Is it going to get dark again? Disappear completely?

Has anyone else had this happen to them? Are there any dermatologists reading that have experience with magically disappearing moles? I’ll be keeping an eye on it, for sure.

If you’ve ever used a smartphone at a movie theater, please tell me why

Movie theater

I saw Guardians of the Galaxy last week and although the movie was great, the people around me were horrible. I had to ask not one but two women to please stop using their smartphones during the film. (One of these women also basically felt up my thigh as she got out of her seat during the credits, but being groped by a stranger is a whole different kind of horrible.) While I’m glad I’ve conquered the social anxiety that would have once prevented me from asking a stranger to knock that shit off, I find myself genuinely clueless as to why this kind of thing happens in the first place.

It’s undeniable that flashing a bright screen around a dark theatre will distract the people around you, and I assume that most people know that doing so is rude and annoying. Yet I can’t remember a time in the last year what I went to a movie theatre and somebody didn’t do that. All of which leaves me asking the question, why? WHY? WHY?!

I can only think of two acceptable reasons for using a smartphone during a movie:

1) If you know you might be having a family emergency. Perhaps someone close to you is gravely ill. Maybe someone is expecting a baby that could be born at any minute. In these cases I can understand why you’d want to quickly check your text messages during a show.

2) If the movie is really, really, really bad. Like 3% rating on RottenTomatoes.com bad. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation bad. So bad that tweeting or texting someone to tell them about the badness of the film is the only way for you to get any enjoyment out of the movie at all.

Other than that, why are some people incapable of putting away their phones? It concerns me, and not in a patronizing, I-feel-so-sorry-for-you kind of way, but in a genuine, you-are-interacting-with-your-phone-like-it’s-an-addictive-substance-and-you-need-help kind of way. Some people can’t seem to spend more than 10 or 15 minutes away from their phones, just like some people have to sneak out for a smoke break every hour or two. It reminds me of a scene from an episode of The Office (which I can’t seem to find on YouTube) where Ryan is asked to hand over his phone to a bartender during a round of trivia the coworkers are about to play. Ryan isn’t able to do it and just backs away, shaking his head, unable to be parted from his phone.

I understand how attached we can become to our phones. There have been two times when I thought I’d lost mine and the freak out that ensued made me realize I may as well start calling it “my precious” in a Gollum-like accent. I like my phone very, very much. I also understand the appeal of using a phone while you’re doing something else. I have been known to play Candy Crush Saga as a rerun of Castle is playing on the TV. Even right now I’m not content just to be typing a blog entry, but also have Star Trek on in the background, though I have the volume off. I understand that desire to seek a bit more stimulation, to check in on what other people are doing, to not be bored (and to split infinitives).

That said, I can step away from my phone when I need to. When my mom and I were at Dollywood I went basically all day without checking Twitter or Facebook. When I was at Dollywood, I was present at Dollywood. I watched the glass makers and metal smiths and the fiddle shows, and when I came back and saw people on Twitter complaining about the iPhone interface design changes, the chatter all seemed dumb and unimportant in comparison to going out and having a new experience, even if that experience was at a place called Dollywood.

It seems like some people are losing the ability to be present at the place they are, to focus just on what is in front of them. If you’re at the movie theater, be present at the movie theatre. The environment is designed to immerse you in the experience. The lights are turned off and the speakers surround you. You’ve paid ten dollars and left your home to be there. Why are some people not content to be there, but also must be elsewhere too?

I think this is partly a generational thing. Kids who were raised on multiple screens might not be as annoyed by this or even view it as problematic behavior as a thirty-something woman like me who remembers the days when you had to sit in a theater and do nothing while you waited for the film to start. No trivia slides. NOTHING. I occasionally brought a magazine with me if I was seeing a movie alone. Magazines do not light up in the dark.

It seems like this is not a problem that is going to go away, so I see only three possible solutions.

1) Have a smartphone section, just like we used to have a smoking section in restaurants. Instead of air pollution we’d corral light pollution. No phone calls allowed, but if you sit in the back five rows you’d be free to use your screen as much as you want.

2) Distribute blinders for patrons who don’t want to be distracted by screens, like the kind put on horses during a race. If you can’t see to the left or right you won’t be distracted by the light of a phone. Of course you would also be much easier to mug during the film.

3) Before each movie ask everyone around you if they plan on using their smartphone during the film, and if they do then move to another seat. This one sounds like the only plan I could actually implement, and I’m seriously considering doing this from now on.

I also have some questions for my readers. No one will be taken to task or shamed for their replies. You don’t even have to use your real name or email address on this one entry. Total amnesty granted.

Have any of you ever used a smartphone during a movie? If so, what were you using it for and why? Did you view it as rude behavior and if so, did you care?

Thanks!

I’m on Bo and Sunny’s mailing list

Last fall the Democratic National Committee called asking me for money. They must have caught me in a good mood because I said, “Yeah, sure,” and shocked the hell out of the caller who sounded notably surprised. I must have been that one person out of a hundred who didn’t tell him where he could stick the Declaration of Independence. I don’t donate that much money to charity or causes, but the Democrats really did me a solid when they passed the Affordable Care Act, so I figured the least I could do was send them twenty bucks.

Of course, that donation meant I was immediately put on several Democratic mailing lists. They even sent me an official membership card, which I don’t think I’ve received for anything since I was a member of the Strawberry Shortcake fan club as a kid, and in that case the membership card was scented. I was not surprised that the Democrats had added me to their mailing list, but I am sort of surprised by how many “gifts” they keep sending me.

First there was the 2014 Commemorative Presidential Print…

2014 Commemorative Presidential Print

..that came with a Certificate of Authenticity, as if I’d ordered something from the Franklin Mint.

Certificate of Authenticity

Then there was a birthday card for the president, which I think I was supposed to sign and mail back with another donation, of course, like I was his grandma sending him a fiver.

Happy Birthday from Bo and Sunny

They also sent me a picture of Obama and one of the dogs.

Obama and Bo

So many of these items have featured the presidential dogs, that I have to wonder if my twenty dollars secretly went to Bo and Sunny’s kibble fund. It is quite possible they have their own SuperPAC. More likely it’s because anyone standing next to a cute dog instantly becomes more likeable, even if you’re a cat person like me.

North Carolina Democrats bumper sticker

It hasn’t stopped yet either because this week I got a bumper sticker from the North Carolina Democrats, which I will not be putting on my car because I’m at an age where I care about my car’s trade-in value.

All of this leaves me wondering, at what point will the Democratic party spend so much money on postage and swag that they will have actually lost money on me? My curiosity is the main reason I have not asked to be removed from any of the mailing lists. I’m waiting to see what they will send me next. If they truly knew the way to my heart they’d send me candy, maybe some blue gummi jackasses. Then I could go around telling people to bite my ass in a totally patriotic way.

Get off my lawn!

Get off my lawn

I’m not sure when I entered the get-off-my-lawn stage of aging, but I’m definitely there. I’ve never owned a lawn, but five years ago my apartment backed up to a grassy drainage area that kids liked to play in. Loudly. While I was trying to work from my home office. It was like living on a playground. I never yelled at those kids to get off my lawn but I thought it very hard in their general direction.

Five years later and I’m sitting in my home office at 1:00am and I can hear the bass beats from the music playing in the apartment across the hall. I cannot envision an age at which I would’ve thought it was ok to play loud music at one o’clock in the morning on a weeknight, but maybe when you’re young you’re stupid like that, oblivious that other people exist and they don’t want to hear your mad beatz.

All of which is to say I am now that cranky lady across the hall who left a voicemail for the rental manager complaining about your ass. It was me! I confess! And I really don’t care because obviously you don’t either. The funny thing is that I’m perfectly ok being that lady. I will age with grace, and part of that aging process is coming to a point where you start screaming at kids to get off your lawn without regret. I am there. I have reached that point. I just don’t have a lawn.

That said, maybe I should finally get one. I like that renting gives me the freedom from a lot of responsibilities. When the air conditioning broke three times this summer I didn’t have to call the AC repairman or pay him. I don’t have to mow the grass or pay property taxes. I like that if I want to go when the lease runs out I just go, and I don’t have to deal with selling a house. But as much as I like renting, I’ve realized I might hate other people more. And the only solution seems to be buying a house. Only I have no idea how much that would cost or if I have enough for a down payment or if I could even afford to buy something in the Chapel Hill area even though my credit score is CRAZY high (we’re talking 800’s) or if I’d end up next to a frat house, though I did live next to a frat house in Crawfordsville, Indiana when I was a kid and the Lambda Chi’s were very well behaved and bought lots of girl scout cookies and held one hell of an Easter Egg hunt.

Of course, there’s nothing like a subwoofer at 1:10 in the morning to get you to start Googling and at least entertain the possibility. I suppose that’s the first step.

Keep reading: 

Want second helpings? Devour more entries in the archives.

 
 
Chocolate & Vicodin: My Quest for Relief from the Headache that Wouldn't Go Away Half-Assed: A Weight-Loss Memoir

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, chronic headache sufferer, (former?) weight-loss inspiration, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She was formerly known as PastaQueen. You can contact her if you promise to be nice.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

My latest tweets

My latest tweets

Twitter: jennettefulda

  • It's equal parts annoying and funny how many pitches get sent to my work email offering to build my company a web site.
  • OMG, I HATE ALL MY NEIGHBORS!! THEY ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE!!!
  • Just had to ask my downstairs neighbor to turn down his subwoofer. That's the third loud neighbor after midnight. Think I can find a fourth?
  • It's disturbing how much ear wax can fit in the human ear canal.

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