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Google Instant is a bit of a gossip

Are you guys familiar with Google Instant Search? Of course you are. This is like asking if you use the Internet, which you do, or else you wouldn’t be reading this. When you do a Google search you’ll see Google Instant Search in action when it displays a list of suggested searches that change as you type. Like so many things, I doubt the creators of Google Instant Search anticipated all the ways it would be used. Instant searches can be funny and disturbing, mostly because they’re so unpredictable. It’s like you’re playing a round of Family Feud with the rest of the internet, and the Internet is WEIRD. The results have also been used to write surprisingly good found poetry or reveal a disturbing amount of sexism in popular searches. The alogrithm behind the results uses a combination of popularity, relevance and freshness to generate results.

So, what happens when you Google my name? Um, this happens:

That’s right, the second suggested search is “jennette fulda boyfriend.” Say, whaaaa? Be honest now, have any [...]

I am not the Jennette you are looking for

It started with this tweet:

It’s not impossible that a stranger would tweet that they like me. Hell, a stranger once tweeted that they hated me. But my blog and book audience skews female, and it seemed unlikely that someone who appears to be a young, average-weight, male was a die-hard fan of Half-Assed. Upon closer inspection I realized he was actually spreading the word that @TooDopeAlexis likes me, but his profile presents him as a young male too, as well as a two-time TreeGameChamp (whatever the hell that is) who was surprisingly diligent in using the proper trademark symbol when setting his name to Spider-Man™. So again, not my typical fan. The whole thing reminded me of grade school when boys would make fun of each other by teasing that they liked the dorkiest girl on the playground-usually me!

Then there was this:

While it’s flattering to think that GabbiXxx is just, OMG, *gasp*, dying for me to follow her, pleez, pleez, pleez, I started to think something was up. After I got a third tweet that [...]

Creative license…plates and bumper stickers

Sitting at red lights can be rather boring, except when the driver in front of you has a clever bumper sticker or license plate. It’s sort of sad that I never get a chance to thank the owners of these vehicles for the small moments of entertainment they provide me. If I were to hop out of my car to thank them they’d probably think I was a carjacker or a panhandler, so I just stay in my car and secretly take photos instead. Here are two that I photographed recently.

AT-ATs are Awesome-Awesome.

At first, I thought this car was a Nissan Cube, which would have squared the Borg Cube humor. Upon closer inspection it’s actually a Honda Element, but it’s still rather cube-shaped.

Picking a favorite between these two would inevitably spark a Star Wars vs. Star Trek debate. The only true way to pick a winner would be in a drag race.

The best way to watch the debates

Photo by Brad Bethell / by NC-ND 2.0 CC

You don’t always have to see something to know it’s there. You can observe its effects on other objects and deduce its existence. That’s how Neptune and Pluto were discovered, not by direct observation but by the effect their gravity had on the orbits of other stellar objects. Similarly, you don’t have to watch the presidential debates to know they’re happening, you just have to read your Twitter stream. It’s far more entertaining anyway.

I don’t like conflict. I go out of my way to avoid confrontation. Watching two people go head to head about important political issues is not my idea of a fun evening. I can’t even watch The Amazing Race because I get stressed out that my favorite team will miss their flight. Watching Butler compete in the NCAA Tournament two years in a row nearly killed me. I much prefer not caring about sports. The idea of watching a confrontation that will affect whether I’ll be eligible for health insurance in 2014 in any [...]

The only thing better than a Chinese version of your book is an illustrated Chinese version of your book

Whenever I receive a package I’m not expecting I assume it’s a bomb. Or anthrax. Or a pig’s heart. (You won’t think I’m so silly when I’m killed one day by an anthrax bomb hidden in a pig’s heart!) So when I opened the package that had been left under my welcome mat I was deliriously happy and surprised to discover that it was the Chinese version of my book, Chocolate & Vicodin. I started hollering, “Yes, yes, yes!” to myself so loudly that my downstairs neighbors must have thought I was getting some Valentine’s Day lovin’. Ever since the translation rights sold last year I’ve been curious to see what my book would look like printed in Chinese characters. How they would translate “Angerballz” in my acknowledgements section? I started to flip through the book to see, and that’s when I noticed it.

This book was illustrated!

The beginning of each chapter includes an image depicting the content of that chapter in hilarious, overly-literal fashion! The story of my life had been illustrated! I do believe [...]

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Chocolate & Vicodin: My Quest for Relief from the Headache that Wouldn't Go Away Half-Assed: A Weight-Loss Memoir

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, chronic headache sufferer, (former?) weight-loss inspiration, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She was formerly known as PastaQueen. You can contact her if you promise to be nice.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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Twitter: jennettefulda

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